Reflections, Banter and the Honest Truth

Oh! it's that same old feeling The one I've had for many years Every year it gets me reeling But it's time to drown those fears. I know that I have the passion To showcase my wit and skills But being late is not in fashion And the summer break sure had its thrills. I hastily get ready for what lies before me  And prepare for the workshops today I sip on my ginger flavoured tea, And hurry,  As I have young minds I have to meet halfway.

 When I was much younger, our summers were often spent at our Grandma's house on the coast. Along with my siblings, my parents and me, many of my aunts, uncles and cousins would also gather there for the holidays. My mum has 9 siblings- and so I have a whole battalion of cousins, aunts and uncles.   Summers there were always fun, loud, and full of games, giggles, and delicious food. We often had people visiting and on days like that, dinners went on long after 'bedtime'. All us cousins were very excited at the thought of staying up late and giggling, chatting and playing games, and sometimes listening to the stories that our elders told. On the days that we did not have visitors, we would all usually go to bed on time. My grandma (Gramsy as we lovingly called her) would make sure her hall was swept and swabbed and the huge green and blue carpet was cleaned. Then all the cousins would excitedly each go and pick up a pillow and a thin cotton sheet to use. The excitement of ...

I got to re-explore the poet in me during a Creative writing workshop that I attended today.  We were required to write a Haiku and a Tanka. A Haiku Morning Water on the grass                                                            Sparrows cheeping in the trees On a cold morning.       Photo by Ch P on Unsplash A Tanka Summer Dark brown rice sacks lie On the cold red floor below A noisy old fan. The merchant lies to cool off After a day of toiling.  Photo by Adrian Gomez on Unsplash  

 It is over 3 years since my husband has been gone. Every Christmas since then, I have gone to Bangalore to spend the holiday with my siblings and friends. I think the company kept me distracted. I have fun with them and do things that are not really associated with memories that Gerard and I have made together. This year was so different though. I had to stay in Coimbatore and so decided to go for the Christmas dance, with our daughters. It was a really difficult day as I had so many memories of the times we had gone for the dance at the same venue. What made it worse was me just sitting and watching, knowing that I will never have the happiness and fun of dancing with my partner ever again. It really was a Blue Christmas!

19 years ago today was like the start of something new for Gerard and me. And I am sad that he is not here with me, I am equally happy that I got those 19 years with him, because I did have a beautiful time.   Whenever this song by Merle Haggard (a singer whose music he enjoyed) comes up on my playlist, i can only think of Gerard.  The song below by Merle Haggard is I Had a Beautiful Time We met downtown in the barroom Both of us needing a friend And you brought me home to your doorstep And it was there you invited me in We spent the wee hours dancing To your favorite home stereo sounds We talked about what we been needin' Discussin' our ups and our downs And I've had a beautiful time Holding your heart next to mine I poured out my feelings while you poured the wine And I've had a beautiful time If I seem a wee bit uneasy You really sized me up right There's somebody home still up waiting She probably been waiting up all night And I can't say I found any answers...

There are quite a few things that make me feel warm and give me comfort, and not surprisingly quite a few of them belong on the list of food and beverages. Last evening, both my daughter and I were feeling under the weather, and I wasn't sure what to cook- that would make us all feel nourished and satisfied. My elder daughter would not put up with a meal meant for for a convalescent.  I quickly glanced through the fridge, and the kitchen cabinets. An apple, chicken breast, carrots, potatoes, masoor dhal, coriander leaves, onions- few of the things that caught my eye. I thought of a recipe that I had years ago, and had cooked just once before, soon after I was married. My husband relished it then and so did I.  So mulligatawny soup it was then.  I was introduced to this soup at the establishment that our (extended) family ran years ago, in Bangalore. And we always had it in the non vegetarian form. You would normally not call something like this a soup. A pottage, maybe? I...

I remember the sound of drums, from when I was little As processions from the temple near my home Went past and the smell of incense and smoke  Would waft through the cold air. I would run out in excitement to look at the people  Sometimes ladies dressed in silk and gold Sometimes men bare chested, with tongues pierced. Wailing, chanting, singing Depending on the occasion. And when the procession was three feet from my gate, The sounds and the vibrations of the drums,  Made my heart pound, like the drums. I would shriek and run into the house and peer from behind the door. I couldn't miss the sight and the sound of the traditional temple drums Even if it was from behind the door. It was probably a decade later, A different drum, watching Ustad Zakir Hussain Playing the tabla in the Taj Mahal Tea advertisement. Which was more fascinating? I now wonder. Watching the Ustad with his lovely smile and locks Or the rhythm of the tabla. A few years later, whenever we had family v...

While I am one of the most patient people that I know, I am extremely disorganised. This contributes to a bit of a mess around the house at times.  My sister, Maria (who is lovingly called Akka, by all the siblings) last visited me and my girls about six months ago and I think she was a bit shocked at the amount of unnecessary things that were in the house. From planks of wood lying in the loft, to pedestal fans that did not work, jars of ingredients in the kitchen which were probably used only once a year, to pans that were never used, and artificial flowers - something that I absolutely loathe.  I will make an exception for something that is beautiful and classy. Well, my wedding bouquet was artificial white poinsettias, because I love how beautifully the lady (Sandy) who made mine and my bridesmaid's bouquets does her arrangements, and they had to be brought from Sri Lanka. The fresh flowers would not have made it.   Well, in addition to all this we all had loads of cl...

 Looking back on my last 12 days with Gerard, I think of him lying on that bed in the ICU, intubated, with the ventilator, monitors and machines all around him, tubes in his nose and mouth, tapes stuck on his neck and his face, holding the tubes in place. The monitors beeping in the silent ICU. The smell of  medicines and  hand sanitisers, and on some days, a dialysis machine next to him, while I stood there and watched his blood flowing through the tubes. A blown up purple medical glove on his chest, to prop up all the paraphernalia that needed to be held in place. Doctors calling me into their rooms to give me updates and reports that I barely comprehended. He had to have the restraints removed from his hands to write things he wanted to tell me. The last time he probably smiled was when I spoke to him about our two girls and was imitating them, in the middle of the ICU.  When I told him that I loved him, he pursed his lips to give me a kiss, even with the breathin...

 I wake up to the sounds of the birds in the neem tree outside my window, the neighbour's dog yelping even before the sun has started to warm the streets, the milkman blowing his noisy horn while he rides around the neighbourhood.  The ladies in their nighties, with towels draped over their shoulders,  go outside with their shiny steel vessels, to have it filled with fresh, and creamy milk. This followed by a cacophony of sounds, as the ladies in the neighbourhood, talk to each other over the walls, across the streets, shouting at Jimmy, who has scampered out of the compound while she was engaged in a long chat with the milkman. And this is how my day begins, lying in bed, trying to block out the sounds with my thin bedsheet. I finally decide to get out of bed, look at the photograph on the shelf near the foot of my bed-'Gerard smiling', drink a glass of water, open the doors, unlock the gate, and go to the terrace to get a bit of sun. I look into the distance, at the squ...

It is 3 months since my husband, partner and best friend passed on..... And our lives will never quite be the same again.  I hear people (who just want me to feel some kind of comfort) tell me that he will always be there, or that he is watching over us. I think that it takes the loss of a loved one to know that there is nothing like actually having that person be able to touch you or be physically present.  We miss - How he spent time with the girls and me I asked if with his friends he would rather be, I want to be here and I don't want to go  I can surely meet them tomorrow. How he would sit on the bed in his pensive mood About religion and discipline we often argued. And he'd bring down his guitar from the wall, To sings some tunes with him his daughters he'd call. Storms Never Last and Sister Golden Hair  His nasal singing voice, and then he'd declare  Don't I have a good voice, Sugar? We would smile and even he would then snigger. He'd scream at us all if ...

19 - The days when I was 19 years old!! Those were carefree, fun days, filled with laughter. I had so many people I could mingle with. Those were the 'college days'. Everything was wild, fun, and crazy! We would attend classes rarely, sit at a small restaurant close by, and drink one cup of coffee for hours together. If we had a few extra rupees to spare, we would then decide to go get ourselves an alcoholic beverage. 19 Church Street - A pub on Church Street in Bangalore (in the early 90's). My friends, Claudette and Don, a few others and I were regular patrons there. This was when we had enough money to spend. This and Pecos were the pubs for us, because they were probably the least expensive, and were not too far for us to walk to. Of course we also had to consider the walk back to college once we had finished guzzling. 19 - The year 2019. The last few days of this year were well spent. With some of the people I love the most - My children, husband , my sibli...

It is Easter morning, and it is the first time in my memory that I have no Easter eggs, or chocolate bunnies for my girls. There is really nothing very Easter-ish  about this Sunday. In fact it is the first time in my life when i have seen no Good Friday services, or Easter Vigils in almost all the churches around the world. And in these days of modern technology, churches are streaming their services online.  It is a time of 'social distancing'. We stay indoors, go out only for the essential items and medicines.  People try to stay a safe distance away from each other, wearing masks, gloves, and definitely trying hard not to cough or sneeze while close to someone else. These are tough times for everyone, and i have tried to stay cheerful, while sitting at home, occasionally having meetings online, preparing study material, worksheets, cooking, seeing that the family is well and not too bored. My children have their school work to do, and my husband and i have to ...

At the beginning of this year- 2020, the world saw a new virus spreading. It spread fast and hit hard. It caused a respiratory infection which brought about fever, a cough, difficulty breathing and fatigue, and has already killed thousands of people. Within a matter of months, it changed from being an epidemic to a pandemic. Slowly most of the countries around the world, started restricting the movement of its people. People confined to their countries, then their cities and then their homes. Both domestic and international flights, trains, buses- all stopped. People aren't allowed to go out to work, students couldn't sit for their year end exams, we manage to cook and eat whatever we can buy in the stores, and there is not much we can choose from. It is a tough time, and with the number of cases rising, no one really knows how long this will go on. We just know that this too shall pass; but when?

After a year of the normal routine, and lots of hectic but boring days, I am looking forward to a small break with my sisters in Bengaluru (Bangalore). We will not be doing anything over the top. There will be a lot of faffing. And because we can't faff around forever, we will spend some time drinking, and a lot of time eating. Here are just a few of the things (eating and drinking) that I usually visit/do on every trip to Bengaluru. After years of drinking Kingfisher beer, my sister introduced me to 'Tuborg Strong'. I have been a Tuborg drinker since then. I am not a regular drinker, just have a few drinks on social occasions. Besides the occasional drink, Chung Wah, on Residency Road Cross is my favourite Chinese food place in Bangalore. The food is not very rich, but really very scrumptious. I don't think that anyone anywhere has ever eaten Ice Cream, like that at Corner House. The original Corner House was on Residency Road. It is now at  Residency ...

Do you remember the 1982 song, Words? Well I am writing about something, totally unrelated. Today my eight year old daughter asked me the meaning of a particular word, that I am almost sure I have never used. Besides, I don't think I knew the meaning of the word until I was twice her age! I don't even want to mention the word!! I almost feel sorry that little girls and boys even know these words! Why or how would they even learn words we hardly ever use!!? I am not into cursing, or using profane language, both in front of my children or otherwise. I find it ridiculous to start swearing or using foul language, whatever be the reason. I do admit that on a few occasions, I have used a few swear words with people I am really close to, but just in jest.  It is probably because most of my  early childhood, I never heard my parents, or sibling swear or curse. But then again, I know lots of people who do use profane language any chance they get, but I know that they never ha...

This post may seem a little 'here and there' since there is so much I wanted to say, and did not know where to start and where to end. As far as I can remember, I have been overweight since I was in my 20's. That together with my height  (only 5'8", but that is tall for an Indian lady) and huge bone structure has made me really heavy. Over the last month, or maybe a little longer, I have been making an extra effort to do something about it and bring my weight down and get healthy. The reason? Oh there are so many things to do, so many reasons to live as healthy as you can! I have read so many articles saying to weigh yourself only once a week. But I weigh myself everyday, at the same time. And what joy to see the weight dropping (even if it is just 0.1 kg). If you want to know why I weigh myself everyday, it is because I want to keep a check on my weight, and what I have eaten the previous day so I will know what food is working for me and what isn't....

At 40, it has finally hit me!! My health and well being should be one of my priorities. I had let myself go, and hit an all time high of something over 100 kgs! I would rather not disclose the actual number. I always wanted to get fit and eat right. One of the main reasons, is that I want to be able to look after my children and husband and not have them look after me. Another is that I want to feel good, look good and not be so heavy that I can't get up and go play outdoors with my girls. The other is that I have a family history of heart disease; and my husband's family has a history of hypertension. Both really dangerous!! Who better to care for and raise my children, than me and my husband. That's when I realised - It's now or never! Once a habit has been formed, it is really difficult to kick it. I had got into the habit of being lazy and eating any food, whatever it was! Breaking the habit that has been on for the last almost 40 years was bound to be diff...

My Mum died in 1984, when I was 10. I don't remember much about her, but I do remember that she was a gentle, pleasant lady.  (just like her Mum) I also remember that she was quite a giggler. When she got a fit of the giggles, her face used to turn red, and she used to cover her face with her palm, and you could see her shoulders shaking from the giggling! My dad died last year on May 2nd, almost 30 years after my Mum. Obviously we were all terribly sad to lose him, since he had played the role of both mother and father to us for all these years. He was an honourable man, kind, wise and warm hearted. The days after his death and funeral were sad days at our home. As each of my siblings arrived in Bangalore for the funeral, the tears would start again, and the quiet sadness would envelope the whole house again. Somehow at the end of each day, we would all huddle up in my Dad's room and sit there and recall all the fun, happy times we had with him. Sometimes we were sad t...

March 14, 2004 was an important day in my life. It was the day that my husband and I got together. So, this year, it made it a decade.... We have gone through so much together, each of us losing a parent within these 10 years, the birth of 2 lovely girls, moving to another country, moving back home, losing jobs, getting employed again. Those were some of the major things we have gone through. Besides all that there are so many other small, but significant things that we have gone through in  these 10 years.  - the midnight chats when we were first dating. - the late night visits - the doctors visits - surgeries - the arguments about how to raise children - the differences in opinion about money matters - the nights we got drunk together - the wedding and Christmas dances - the minor accidents - the separation when we moved countries - the discussions about religion and God - discussions about family - discussions about love - spending quiet time t...